My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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