It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
