Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
