highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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