i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
