turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
