Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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