I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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