I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
