He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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