she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
