A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize