i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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