I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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