Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I think people are normalizing furries
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
