I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
