It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
