I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize