Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
