Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
