Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
