Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize