Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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