I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you traded sex for a burrito?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
