Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
