That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
