i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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