my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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