I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
