i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
