i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
