walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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