Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
