Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize