last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize