At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
