Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
