Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
