Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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