If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize