I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
