First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize