Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
