I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
