I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize