Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just pynch a tree in the face
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
