Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize