dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
