sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
