Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
