god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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