i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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