my phone needs a breathalizer
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
