Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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