Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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